


The Pros and Cons of a Threeway

by ch1nelle, SadisticbutSweet



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: HSO, Multi, Xeno, tentabulge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 21:09:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ch1nelle/pseuds/ch1nelle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadisticbutSweet/pseuds/SadisticbutSweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard being in a three way relationship. It's hard and no one understands.</p><p>Alternatively titled: "In Which Dave Doesn't Know What He's Gotten Himself Into, Karkat Has A Budding Hatemance with Himself, and Terezi Finds Their Frustrations Adorable"</p><p> </p><p>[Written for the 2012 HSO Collab, prompt was "Abberation". Writers: Aigroe, Darkmeridian13, and Sadisitcbutsweet. Artists: Ch1nelle and Trophospheric. The entire team contributed to planning and proofreading.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave Strider

**Author's Note:**

> Signed with blood, sweat, tears, and love,
> 
>  **Team Dave/Terezi/Karkat**  
>  Sadisticbutsweet  
> tropospheric  
> aigroe  
> ch1nelle  
> darkmeridian13  
> rogueofcatnip  
> Lucille_smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Well, are you?"_
> 
> _"Am I what?"_
> 
> _"Doing the right thing?"_
> 
> Dave wonders how he got himself into this mess in the first place.
> 
> [Written by Darkmeridian13, illustrated by the lovely Ch1nelle]

It's hard being in a threeway relationship. It's hard and no one understands.

Not only does no one understand, some people also feel the need to butt in on said three-way's business all the fucking time.

Dave has lost track of how many times he's ducked out of a room to avoid the evil glint that shows up in Rose's eyes whenever she spots him.

He used to think that her questioning him about his bro and all his “feelings” was bad.

Now that she suddenly wants to know about his “intriguing and atypical sexual endeavors” he just can't get away from her fast enough.

And yet somehow he's found himself here, squirming awkwardly in one of the chairs in what he's come to think of as Rose's study, resisting the urge to just bolt and transportalize the fuck out of here. She sits across from him, smoothly folding her legs to sit cross-legged, a large book opened up in her lap. It somehow makes her look way younger than usual, but that illusion disappears as soon as she opens her mouth.

"So, Dave." She lets his name hang heavy in the air as she taps the purple pen against her lips, and he resists the urge to tug at his collar like a guilty schoolchild. He finally gave in to get her off his back, but he can tell this is going to be a lengthy and uncomfortable process by the way she eyes him like her favorite specimen under a microscope. She breaks her stare to glance down at the book, and he lets out the breath he was holding, only to choke on the inhale when she next speaks.

"Do all three of you engage in intercourse at the same time, or do you take turns with each other?"

He can't help but let out an indignant yelp at the question, feeling his ears heat up.

"Rose! Seriously, do you have to be so fucking blunt about things all the time?"

"Would you prefer I begin with some more palatable questions first, and then move onto more in-depth analysis? I don't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities, Dave."

"I'd rather we didn't have to do this fuckery at all, but now that you've got your curious claws buried wrist-deep in my personal shit, it's not like I have much of a choice, do I?" he grumbles out, slumping back in his seat in defeat.

"Your personal shit has always fascinated me, Dave. I'm not sure why you seem more opposed to my prying when it comes to this than any other time. Is everything going well with you all?"

Dave chews his lip, looking anywhere but at his sister. "Yeah, 'course, I mean as well as some weird relationship like this can go. Karkat still wants to tear my skin off and piss in the wounds, and TZ still likes to lick my face and tell me taste good, so yeah. As good as it gets, I guess."

"You don't sound so sure about that."

He heaves a sigh and finally glances at her over his shades, letting her know he's serious. "Look, I know you're really good at seeing logic and figuring out how feelings work and shit, but not all of us have it so easy. This is some fucked up shit I got myself into, and sometimes I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Like seriously, I got two off-the-rocker trolls both after my dick, one of which pretty much wants to kill me or at least severely maim me as a sign of our "love", and the other who probably wouldn't mind taking a bite out of me either, so you'll have to understand if I get a little mixed up sometimes over whether I'm doing the right thing or not." He sighs, carefully pushing his shades back up to conceal his eyes again after the uncomfortably long eye contact. He tries to ignore Rose as she finishes scribbling down a few notes, and he can't help but think back to just how he got himself into this wonderfully messy thing he now calls his love life.

\------------------------------------------

The first time something happened between him and Karkat, Dave nearly flipped his shit.

It started early in the day with a worse-than-usual volley of insults over breakfast, which ended with Karkat flinging his coffee mug across the room and stomping out, spewing curse words and going to sulk elsewhere in the depths of the asteroid. Dave brooded over his own cup until Kanaya came in and asked what all the noise had been about, and he got up and left without a word. He felt kind of bad afterward for leaving the mess there for her to clean up, but he was in too foul of a mood already to deal with people.

Later he was minding his own business, chilling the TZ and mayor as usual and trying to forget about that morning's incident, when the angry fucker showed up again. He paused when he saw Dave, then did some infuriating little thing similar to puffing up his chest, and marched on over. Dave kept his mouth shut, and listened as Karkat started chatting up Terezi in his way too loud voice. The motherfucker would even glance over at him every so often as he gradually inched closer to Terezi, and Dave could see a smug look creeping onto his face. Normally he tried to keep chill whenever Karkat starting hitting on Terezi, but this time was different. This time, Karkat was intentionally doing it to get a rise out of him, and the worst part was, TZ didn't even seem to notice what was up. She just grinned and laughed that really loud laugh that Dave always tried to get out of her by telling shitty jokes, and was perfectly content to let Karkat sling an arm around her shoulders. And that was enough to make Dave's blood boil.

Normally he just brushed off Karkat's attempts to get a rise out of him, knowing that when he showed no reaction it just pissed off the troll even more, which left Dave with his own sense of satisfaction. But today he couldn't control the flood of anger that rushed through him at the sight of some petty asshole hitting on one of the few chicks who he'd ever decided he had a real thing for. Something inside him finally snapped, and he stood up suddenly, drawing the attention of the two trolls. Terezi donned an innocent-looking smile as she turned her face towards him, and Karkat somehow managed to look even more smug at the fact that Dave was obviously annoyed by his actions, his arm still resting on TZ's shoulder. "Something the matter, coolkid?" Terezi asked sweetly, and Dave hoped Karkat could feel the glare he was giving him from behind his shades. Something told him he could, because the dude was staring right back at him, returning the full intensity of the look as if he could see through the dark lenses.

"Yeah, actually, I just realized Karkles here and I forgot we were gonna have a little talk. Hope you don't mind if I borrow him for a minute," Dave said, somehow managing to keep his voice relatively calm and his fists unclenched. He ignored the indignant noise Karkat made when he hauled him up by the arm and, pretending not to have seen the sly shark-tooth grin spreading over TZ's face, led him forcibly out of the room.

As soon as they were out of sight, Karkat wrenched his arm away and spat, "What the fuck is your problem?!" Dave lost all pretense of trying to keep his cool and shoved Karkat in the chest, causing him to stumble back a few steps. "What the fuck is /your/ problem, dick head? What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Karkat visibly bristled, anger flashing across his face. He straightened, taking a step closer to Dave and getting in his face. "I'm doing whatever the hell I want to do, you shit excuse for an air-breather. Which at this point in time includes talking to Terezi, and /not/ having to put up with an insufferable jackass like you. So if you'll excuse me-"

He made to brush past Dave, knocking his shoulder, but Dave grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him up against the wall, pinning him there. Karkat made a strange noise and then snarled at him, thrashing a bit under his grip. "No, you listen here, fuckwad," Dave hissed, inches away from Karkat's face. "Why the fuck do you insist on messing with what I've got? You already know she doesn't wanna fuckin' be in your stupid red romance or whatever the fuck it is, so just back the fuck off and let someone else have a try. From the looks of it I've got a much better chance than you ever fucking did."

Karkat let out a bark of laughter as he glared at Dave. "Oh, so you think you've got this whole quadrant thing figured out, don't you Strider? I've already fucking explained it to you, but apparently the protective layer surrounding your thinkpan is so unbelievably dense, I'm surprised it hasn't formed a black hole and sucked us all in already. You know, if I wasn't so sure that you were a claw-sucking idiot, I'd say this isn't even about her."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to say that I'm really just pissed at you because you push my buttons all the time? Well, you're goddamn fucking right!" Dave shoved him into the wall again, getting right in his face. Karkat's eyes widened, but Dave ignored it in favor of raising his voice in a way he couldn't remember doing in a long time. "You get your grubby fucking hands all up in my business, you act like a smug bastard all the damn time, you talk endlessly about shit no one cares about, and I'm fucking sick of it! I'm sick of you, you arrogant asshole! I hate you!"

He took a deep breath after the tirade, only noticing after a second that Karkat was oddly quiet. He opened his mouth to snarl another chain of insults when he found himself flipped and pinned against the wall instead, the troll's surprisingly strong fingers holding his wrists over his head.

Out of nowhere Karkat was kissing him. Dave's brain very nearly shut off at the prospect. Karkat. Was kissing him. But it wasn't some gentle man-I'm-so-into-you-let's-make-out kind of kiss, the kind of thing he definitely not so secretly wanted with Terezi. No, Karkat was being /violent/, sharp teeth nipping at his lower lip, the force of the kiss shoving Dave's head back against the wall as he struggled against the iron-like grip holding him there. All he could do was growl and bite back, trying to push the other off of him. He managed to sink his teeth into Karkat's lip, hard enough draw blood, when Karkat /moaned/. Well, it was really more of a deep-throated growl, but that didn't stop it from sending a spike of heat to Dave's groin, and he froze.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Dave panted, as Karkat took advantage of the moment to leave a stinging trail down to his neck and began nipping the skin there. The troll made a frustrated noise and rolled his eyes, pulling away to admire the teeth marks left on Dave's skin.

"Do you ever fucking listen, Strider? How many times have I had to explain kismesissitude, seriously. Or are you going do try and revoke the confession you just made?"

Dave nearly choked on his next inhale. "C-confession? What the fuck do you mean-"

Suddenly his words came back to him, and it began to dawn on him what he just got himself into.

Karkat caught his eye and smirked, the blood on his chin from his split lip already starting to dry.

"So, do you take it back then? Or do you still admit to hating me?" Karkat emphasized his question with a sharp bite to his neck, and Dave couldn't help the noise that bubbled out of his throat that was a mix of deep-seated animosity as well as arousal.

"Fuck you," he growled, and the way Karkat's smug grin widened even further made him rile up, in more ways than one.

"I accept," he purred, digging his sharp nails into Dave's wrists as he bit down on just above his collarbone, and Dave gave up once and for all on what he had once considered normalcy.

\------------------------------------------

Things after that just got messy.

Dave discovered he was apparently in a relationship of some fucked up sort with Karkat, of all people. Not how he had seen it going down at first. He had finally admitted to himself that he had some not so ironic feelings for Terezi, and ended up instead with an angry, volatile asshole as some kind of hate-boyfriend.

One day when he managed to find himself alone with Terezi without Karkat hovering nearby, he decided to abandon the coolkid routine (yet again, what was it with these trolls making him lose his cool) and maybe ask her outright about a couple things.  
“So, um, TZ, with these troll relationships, it's cool to be with more than one person, as long as you feel differently about them, right?”

Terezi took a long time to reply to that one, looking thoughtful as she ran her tongue over a piece of red chalk in a way that Dave found only mildly suggestive. 

“I don't think I'm the best person to ask about that,” she replied, sounding oddly serious.

Dave stared at her incredulously. “Why not? You're a troll, aren't you?”

She cracked a toothy grin at him and leaned over to bury her nose in his shoulder, inhaling deeply against the crimson fabric of his godtier outfit. “Duh. But I'm not nearly as strict about the quadrant system as sometroll we know.” 

He let out a snort and nodded, finding his hand resting on her knee somehow. “I think he wants you as a... whatchamacallit. Matesprit.”

She let out a soft humming noise, pressing her cheek to his shoulder and tilting her face towards him. “Let me tell you secret, coolkid. We've had a flushed kind of thing for a while now.”

Dave felt his stomach flip in a sickening twist of jealousy, and he pulled his hand away from her knee. “Oh... Yeah?”

He felt TZ shift, until she was pressed against his side, sharp teeth a little too close to his ear for comfort.

“Yeah. But I think you're already forgetting something important that I said.”

He turned to look at her, and saw her grin a bit wider.

“You aren't strict about the quadrant system,” he muttered, a realization coming over him.

She merely laughed at him, burying her nose in his shoulder again.

Dave went quiet for a few minutes, mulling things over.

“So you're flushed for Karkat?”

“Mhmm.”

“But... you kinda like me too... Right?”

She giggled in that raspy, breathy way he secretly loved. “How could I possibly not like the coolkid? He's delectable.”

He rolled his eyes and nudged her. “I'm serious, TZ.”

She nudged him back playfully. “Yes, Strider. I have delicious candy-red colored feelings for you too.”

He went quiet again, pondering this. The thought of having to share Terezi with the angry douchebag made him want punch things, mostly Karkat's face. But wasn't that technically part of their relationship anyway? Him wanting to punch Karkat for things, and it somehow devolving into hot, angry sex. He wanted Terezi for himself, but he knew she wasn't about to give up whatever freaky relationship she already had with that asshole. Oddly enough, he found himself strangely okay with the idea of being with her anyway, in spite of Karkat also being with her. He was getting better at taking Karkat down in a fight anyway, so he ever stepped over a boundary, Dave could probably put him back in his place.

He looped an arm around Terezi's shoulders, wondering why the hell he thought being with not just one troll was a good idea, but two. Oh well. Apparently no fucks were being given of late.

“So I hear you like the color red. You think shouty's all special, just wait till you get a whiff of me. I'm like a motherfucking flower shop on Valentine's Day compared to him. Or an AIDS awareness parade. Except... without the AIDS. I promise.”  
She wrinkled her nose, letting out a bark of laughter as she tugged herself into his lap, resting her hands on his chest. 

“I have no idea what that is, but all that red sounds... scrumptious.” She bumped her forehead against his, his favorite toothy smile spread across her face. “Mind if I have a sample, mister?”

“Be my guest.”

They kissed until Karkat found them and started a tirade to end all tirades. Terezi kissed him to get him to shut up, and Dave punched him in the arm, and after that things just seemed to work themselves out, albeit not without a little bloodshed here and there.

Dave had never found himself in such an aberrant situation, but somehow, he wouldn't want to have it any other way.

\-----------------

Rose finishes writing something with a flourished jab of her pen before she speaks again.

"Well, are you?"

"... Am I what." He almost forgets what they had been talking about.

"Doing the right thing."

He's at a loss for words for a few moments, brain freezing up on him. However, it's his gut, or maybe his heart that kicks his mouth back in gear, making him answer on instinct.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am."

Rose's cool smile is enough to tell him he's said the right thing, making him feel almost as warm as when he's cuddling with TZ, or successfully one-upping Karkat in a snark-fest.

That is, until she opens her mouth again, and he remembers she wants details about his sex life. He groans audibly and resists pulling his hood over his face, questioning again as to how he ever made himself believe this interview thing wasn't a horrible idea.


	2. Karkat Vantas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In rom-coms the hero gets the girl whenever the loser douche reveals his worst trait. Said loser douche doesn’t attract the girl with the aforementioned worst trait. The girl doesn’t keep the loser douche around whenever she finally falls for the idiot hero._
> 
>  
> 
> Karkat laments on how badly he fails at this romance-thing they've tangled themselves into.
> 
> [Written by SadisticbutSweet, illustrated by Ch1nelle]

Future CarcinoGenegist (FCG) began trolling Current CarcinoGenecist (CCG) 

FCG: HEY  
FCG: I HOPE YOU REALIZE HOW BIG A FUCK UP YOU ARE

Karkat is on and offline before he can even form a proper scathing response against himself, which is somehow worse than the usual outcome. At least whenever he gets into violent, bitter yelling matches with himself he gets a chance to vent. Now, staring at his own crimson accusation, he can feel the anger and self-loathing bubbling up in his stomach.

The laughter isn't helping.

"Dave, you are the absolute worst at building a proper, functional city." Theres a sharp clang of metal, the resounding THUNK as she demolishes an entire city street with a sweep of her hand. "This is where the prison needs to go!"

"Geez Tez dropping all those inmates right in the middle of the city." Dave Strider, douchbag extraordinare, whistles. "Man hoping all the good people of that block you destroyed will rub off on the criminals? Maybe bake them some moving in cakes, offer to have them join their knitting circle or whatever they do in suburbs."

Terezi cackles. "No, no, no, Dave! They're going to serve as an example -"

And she goes off again, her voice drifting in and out of his ears. He swirves his chair just enough to look at them out of the corner of his eye, watching as Terezi gesticulates wildly into the air. Dave, who probably doesn't even have the competency to understand a single iota of the information that is gracing his think pan, is nodding slowly. Even from across the room Karkat can see the difference she makes in him - that little twitch in the corner of Dave's mouth.

He wants to run over there and claw it right off his smug face.

Karkat turns away, back to the screen and his future self's words. The color is too bright and too full of implications and he wonders why the fuck he ever switched to using his blood color. He wonders why the fuck he does anything anymore. He wants to reach through the screen and strangle himself, specifically his past self for ever getting involved in this clusterfuck of a threeway they laughingly call a relationship. 

It's been almost half a sweep and he's still not used to it. Okay, sure, going black for Dave was a statistical certainty. Anyone cooped up for more than an hour with that coolkid of a hipster douchebag artist wannabe would be jumping at the chance for some violent hate makeouts if just to get him to shut the fuck up. His mouth spews the stupidest shit that Karkat has even heard, leaving him with a deep pounding in his think pan half the time. 

It doesn’t help that the idiot doesn’t even have any idea how to be a proper kismesis – which, in some sick twisted way, made him the perfect target for Karkat’s hatred, but it made the relationship feel decidedly one sided. He hadn’t considered Dave Strider’s level of utter stupidity whenever he shoved him into a wall and initiated sloppy make outs.

(If he was being honest he hadn’t been “considering” much of anything at that time, because if there was only ONE thing Dave had going for him it was the fact he had somehow mastered the art of sloppy makeouts.) 

The point remains: Dave Strider is the single WORST kismesis in the history of forever and doesn’t even realize it, having bent and mauled the definition of their hatemance into something that suits him. Karkat had attempted, with varying degree of success, to explain why stealing his clothes while he was in the ablution chamber and writing on his face while he slept was absolutely NOT a part of a kismesis.

One of these times Dave had just looked at him, or at least was facing in Karkat’s general direction. “The idea is to make you hate me, right?”

“Oh my fuck it’s a miracle and here I was thinking you weren’t hearing a word I was saying,” Karkat sneered.

“Well, it’s working, right? Who cares if I’m resorting to childish pranks worthy only of one John Egbert if they’re helping to nurse that massive hate boner you have for me?” 

Karkat hadn’t dignified that with an answer.

The only thing keeping him from throwing himself off the edge of the meteor for his past self being such a fucking idiot deciding to court Dave douchebag Strider is Terezi – and truly it was not an exaggeration that she is the only thing. 

She looked up from her and Dave’s haphazard building to smile in his direction, waving a hand. Her mouth was full of fangs and the smile was anything but sweet and Karkat was certain, as sappy as it sounded, that she could reach into his chest and rip out his blood-pusher and he’d let her. When it came to Terezi he was the stereotypical head over heels idiot hero that shows up in every rom-com ever. 

(He liked to think he was, specifically, Ryan Reynold’s dashing lead male Will Hayes in “Definitely, Maybe”, not-so-secretly pining for the lovely April, played by Isla Fisher, who is currently in the arms of some douchebag idiot who isn’t even worthy of having his name remembered.)

But rom-coms don’t go like this. In rom-coms the hero gets the girl whenever the loser douche reveals his worst trait. Said loser douche doesn’t attract the girl with the aforementioned worst trait. The girl doesn’t keep the loser douche around whenever she finally falls for the idiot hero.

The girl doesn’t just settle for both. That doesn’t happen. 

Briefly, he wonders if he’s actually in some screwball horror-comedy instead.

He’s debating a proper film cinema analogy for such a genre to the situation whenever Terezi bounds over. He knows it’s her because she actually has nails that dig into his shoulder when she spins him around, away from the computer. Dave is left behind to continue building efforts, to Karkat’s relief. Terezi leans down and takes his hands, swinging them back and forth slightly.

“What in the world are you doing over here, Karkat?”

Thinking about what a failure I am romantically, he thinks. Wishing you were sitting with me laughing over rom-coms instead of over there with him. 

“Something far more productive than building a fucking city out of cans,” is what he says instead.

Terezi keeps grinning, shaking her head. “Come on, Karkat. You can’t sit over here all day being the knight of brooding –“

“Watch me.”

“Just relax a little!Help us build our city!” Her smile widens, which Karkat previously thought impossible. “We need a master Threshcutioner to man the gallows!”

He knows, deep down, she’s trying to be nice. He knows she knows that he spends more time beating himself up than anything else, and she tries. Unlike him, she wants this to work, and so Karkat wants to make it work for her.

But he sees Dave over her shoulder, looking at them over the tops of his shades, and in a moment of vicious jealously he rips his hands out of Terezi’s claws.

“I’m sure the two of you can handle it all by yourself,” he says, and he can’t turn around fast enough to miss that brief moment when her smile slips.

“Well, fine then. Stay over here with your husktop and don’t help. Your loss!” she says, and he can hear the anger beneath the teasing. He’s hurt her, because she tried and he threw it back at her because he cannot stand to watch them. He can’t stand to watch them because everything was wrong and it felt wrong and he wasn’t getting used to it. Involving a human in their quadrants had been the stupidest idea Past Karkat had ever done, and now Current Karkat was the one getting beaten up for it.

Maybe not so deep down, he even realized it was stupid to even worry about it this much. That only made it worse, because that meant he had no reason to get angry at Terezi. It was his problem, not hers, not even Dave’s.

He’s just about to abscond whenever he looks up at his screen. The trollian log is still open, and he snarls. Before he can stop himself, he’s jumping back in his own timeline and angrily slamming on the keys.

FCG: HEY

He tries to think of the meanest thing he can say, something that properly explains how angry he is with himself.

FCG: I HOPE YOU REALIZE HOW BIG A FUCK UP YOU ARE

He’s half way into a second insult whenever hands settle on his shoulders and he’s jerked back. There’s nails in his shoulder.

"Alright, Karkat, Let's go have some fun for once, all three of us!"

"Yeah, grumpy grub. We need a proper Threshcutioner to serve in Tez's canned court. Can't have no half-grown grubs handling all these precision executions."

Dave is there in front of him suddenly, logging him out of Trollian. Before Karkat can lash out (because seriously, “grumpy grub”!?) Terezi swings his chair around and pulls him too his feet. Dave reappears on his other side and together they jerk him toward their haphazard city of metal nutrition containers. She’s cackling and laughing as she sits him down firmly in front of the giant tower of cans she has assembled. Thrusting two more into his hands, she smiles so wide it nearly splits her face. Dave settles on the other side of the tower, meticulously building what looked like some kind of weird abstract sculpture.

Terezi instructs him. “You get to build your own execution chamber, but it has to be right by the prison. Can’t have the criminals stalking the street on their way to their death, now, can we?”

He looks down at the cans in his hands, awkward. He wants to apologize for being such a jerk just two minutes ago, but she’s still there smiling, uncaring and understanding.

“It’s okay, Karkat. You don’t have to beat yourself up. You’re doing just fine.” She reaches up and pats his head, so condescending and pitying that it almost makes his heart burst. It’s romantic and red and he wants to kiss her but he spots Dave staring. When they meet eyes Dave discreetly gives him a thumbs up while Terezi sets another can on top of her jail, cackling gleefully. He kind of wants to kiss Dave too, then punch him just so he doesn't get the wrong idea.

“The jail is filling up, Karkles.” she sing-songs, pulling him back to the now. “We need somewhere to send these low life scum, stat!”

“This is asinine.” He stacks the two cans next to hers, pauses, and asks, “Have any smaller ones?”

By the time he’s done, Karkat has built up a second giant tower specifically for tossing criminals to their death into a giant pit.

Terezi and Dave both approve.


	3. Terezi Pyrope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There are, however, some advantages to this miserable rock. Two advantages, to be specific._
> 
>  
> 
> Terezi thinks about how lucky she is.
> 
> [Written by Aigroe and Sadisticbutsweet, illustrated by Trophospheric]

\--GC opened memo on board D4V3 4ND K4RK4T SUCK <3--  
GC: H3Y  
TG: sup  
CG: YOUR BULLSHIT IS WHAT’S UP  
CG: IF BY UP YOU MEAN OLD  
CG: ACTUALLY NO I DON’T MEAN OLD I MEAN ANCIENT  
CG: YOUR BULLSHIT IS SO OLD IT READ FEFERI’S LUSUS BEDTIME STORIES  
CG: AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE STORIES WERE DIM RECOLLECTIONS OF A DISTANT PAST DISTORTED BY THE SLOW UNRAVELLING OF YOUR BULLSHIT’S MIND AND THE FAMILIAR SMELL OF PISS.  
TG: why is the smell of piss familiar  
CG: BECAUSE YOUR BULLSHIT WAS PRETTY OLD EVEN BACK THEN AND, LIKE SOME BULGE-BRAINED TROLL THAT PISSES ITSELF AT THE FIRST SIGN OF A FIGHT, HAD ABOUT AS MUCH CONTROL OVER ITS BLADDER AS YOU DO OVER YOUR ENTIRELY RIDICULOUS LIFE.  
TG: ouch  
TG: shit hurts man think before you speak  
TG: oh wait you already did you probably spent hours coming up with that burn  
TG: secluded in his fort of shitty movie posters the young troll sits scheming a vicious plot to bring about the end of a certain dave striders life  
TG: he rubs his hands together and cackles with glee and the light of troll jennifer anistons hair flickers in his eyes  
CG: OH MY GOD SHUT UP  
CG: TEREZI, PLEASE TELL ME YOU REALISE HOW UTTERLY DEPRAVED AND TWISTED THIS IS.  
CG: I WON’T ASK THE SAME OF DAVE BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY A) HAS THE BRAINS OF A YOUNG AQUATIC WRIGGLERBEAST AND B) SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE A SAY IN THIS MESS.  
GC: OF COURS3 1 KNOW TH1S 1SNT NORM4L K4RK4T >:[  
GC: BUT 1TS NOT L1K3 TH3R3S 4NYON3 TO M4K3 US STOP 1S TH3R3  
GC: B3S1D3S WH1CH YOU W3R3 PR4CT1C4LLY P41L1NG W1TH D4V3 LONG B3FOR3 1 C4M3 UP W1TH MY 1NG3N1OUS SOLUT1ON TO OUR D1L3MM4  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: NO I WASN’T.  
TG: you were dude come on  
TG: homoerotic wrestling with a dash of impassioned grunting leaving you flushed and out of breath  
TG: oh jake gyllenhaal-sama not so fast it hurts  
CG: WHATEVER OKAY THE POINT IS MOOT.  
CG: WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS THIS IS MORE SCREWED UP THAN WHERIN A YOUNG TROLL MOVES TO NEW HOME AND MEETS BROODING MYSTERIOUS STRANGER (WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A RAINBOW DRINKER) AND HAS ILL-ADVISED ROMANTIC INVOLVEMENT WITH HIM BEFORE MEETING ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS MEMBER OF THE UNDEAD AND BEING TORN BETWEEN THE TWO WHILE THE UNDEAD’S PASSIONATE RIVALRY AWAKENS AND A CLAN OF EVIL RAINBOW DRINKERS SEEK TO DESTROY THESE TROLLS’ BLOOMING MATESPRITSHIP AND KISMESIS BEFORE IT HAS EVEN BEGUN.  
GC: H3Y 1SN’T TH4T TH3 MOV13 YOU L1K3 D4V3  
TG: ironically  
CG: POINT IS AT LEAST THOSE SUCKERS GET IT TOGETHER IN THE END.  
GC: H3Y W3 DO H4V3 1T TOG3TH3R  
GC: W3 H4V3 1T SO TOG3TH3R YOU WOULDNT B3L1EV3  
TG: togetherness coming out our ass  
TG: oh no man i think youre wounded theres blood everywhere someone fetch a medic  
TG: no its ok dude thats just togetherness  
TG: i have so much its leaking everywhere  
CG: WOAH DUDE I’VE BEEN STUDYING YOUR SPEECH FOR A LONG TIME NOW AND I’VE FINALLY GATHERED ENOUGH DATA TO BE CERTAIN OF MY FINDINGS:  
CG: YOU’RE A DOUCHENOOK.  
CG: HOW ABOUT THAT.  
TG: gosh im shocked  
TG: i am actually really angry oh god the anger it burns me and i crave sweet revenge  
TG: hey karkat  
TG: i hate you too  
TG: hows that for irony motherfucker

\--

There are several things that suck about being stuck on a meteor for three years, and Terezi could list then in reverse alphabetical order whilst battling a cholerbear blindfolded. It’s boring, the food sucks, everyone began to annoy her after the first few days, she already annoyed everyone but now they can’t escape from her they’re grumpier and duller than ever before – as vehicles for travelling between universes go, meteors do not rank very high on Terezi’s list.

There are, however, some advantages to this miserable rock. Two advantages, to be specific. She grins widely as she thinks about them and her pace quickens.

On Alternia the three of them would probably be culled for their indecency. Even if they weren’t, Dave and Karkat’s blood colours wouldn’t go down well and would be impossible to keep hidden. Terezi is the only one who would be safe if she still lived in her old home, if it hadn’t been obliterated as a part of the game.

Some of the trolls on the meteor have adapted to their newfound freedom quicker than others. Terezi was the first one to start wearing colours higher up on the hemospectrum than her own; pink and purple are not dissimilar to red, and she soon started wearing bright, clashing colours in every shade there was. Kanaya was second. She stared incorporating dashes of blue into jade green dresses, fuchsia highlights on a soft grey skirt, and it wasn’t long before her creations ran the whole gamut of colour. The others took longer to adapt, but they did. Six months ago Karkat changed his trollian text colour to bright red, offering a defiant glare to anyone who commented on it.

Of course, Terezi and her little group were breaking the rules long before it was cool.

When Terezi reaches the room, Karkat and Dave are already there. They’re sat at opposite ends of the sofa but she can tell they’re edging closer to each other. When she walks in they look up, startled.

“Hey!” She speaks before either of them can get a word in. “You both know why we’re here, of course!”

Dave smells as disinterested as ever, but beneath that there’s a hint of curiosity. “Do enlighten us.”

“It’s our anniversary! We have officially spent an entire human year as matesprit-kismeses! I think a celebration is in order.”

Karkat buries his head in his hands and lets out a muffle groan of irritation. Terezi, unfazed, bounds over to him and plonks herself down between her two matesprits. She pulls out a party popper and enthusiastically pulls the string, bringing a shower of brightly coloured streamers down upon them. The colour momentarily overwhelms her senses, scents and tastes exploding in her mind. She grabs a handful of the fluff and inhales deeply.

“A whole year? Seriously?” Dave thinks about that for a moment. “Hey, man, I must be fifteen by now.”

“Human measurements are dumb,” Karkat grumbles. “What kind of a number even is three hundred fifty five-”

“Sixty five-”

“Like oh hey we’ve got to measure time in some entirely random way hey you there why don’t you say the first number that comes to your head-”

“It’s the number of days the earth takes to go round the sun, dumbass-”

“Wow! Really? Notify me next time that’s relevant!”

“Oh, cause Alternian shit is so much more current.”

Terezi grins widely and lets the sound of their arguments wash over her. They are both covered in the detritus from the party popper and the smells mingle wonderfully. It’s the happiest she’s been in a long while.

[ ](http://imgur.com/H0yLm)

The volume rises as their argument goes on, both slowly getting more and more irate, debating the finer points of Earth and Alternian culture. Dave makes a derogatory comment about troll John Cusack and that’s enough to get Karkat truly angry.

“Back on Alternia,” he begins. You know it’s the start of a tirade that could, if unchecked, last several hours. You have better things to do on your human anniversary.

“Back on Alternia we’d be culled,” you tell him, poking his chest, where his sign is still on display. “Don’t tell me about the good old days. You wouldn’t have lasted another sweep before some highblood carted you off for the slaughter.”

“Thanks, I needed to be reminded of that.”

You peck him on the cheek to make up for it. He scowls, but a reluctant smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. She can feel it when she kisses him again, tastes the sweet rush of affection even before he puts his hand on her cheek.

Behind her Dave shifts so he can kiss her neck. His breath tickles when he asks, “Can I get in on these sloppy interspecies celebratory anniversary make outs?”

And the kiss suddenly tastes sour. Terezi cackles at the possessive growl that bubbles up in Karkat’s throat. She lightly paps his cheek. “Shhh,” she says, turning to catch Dave’s lips in a quick kiss.

“Don’t do that.” Karkat grabs her hand.

“Do what?” She frees her lips just long enough to ask. Her other hand lashes out and catches on Karkat’s ribs, scratching hard. His blood thunders under his skin, loud in her ears. Dave’s is doing the same behind her, his heart right up against her back. 

“Act pale, or ashen, or whatever the fuck you think you’re doing.” 

Even Dave snorts. “Dude, seriously?”

Terezi moves out of Dave’s hold and drapes herself over Karkat, ignoring his squirms and little chirps of protest. “Karkat, you are in a black relationship with a human who doesn’t entirely understand our society and the implications of his actions, and you’re sharing your matesprit with said human. You’ve revealed your candy red blood color. There are twenty different ways this is improper, and you’re worried about one little display of pale affection?”

“Plus, you haven’t used a bucket the last two times I’ve gotten you off,” Dave added helpfully. “I mean seriously, in the grand scheme of things you should be worried about, I thought that would have been fairly high up there.”

Terezi cannot restrain herself from licking Karkat’s red cheeks, cackling wildly as he struggles against her. His voice is shrill – “Let me at him! God fuck Strider that was confidential information you giant bulgesucker!” – and Terezi bites at his ear to get him to shut up. 

“Ah, Tez, fuck!” Karkat curses quietly. “Are you trying to rip off my audial flaps?”

She’s laughing even as both of her boys grab at her clothes, synchronizing only enough to ensure she’ll be the one undressed first. She knows them, and knows it’s easier for them to ignore their own nerves with the situation when they can focus on her. That’s why she lets them pull her clothing from her piece by piece. Their hands claw and swat at each other whenever they cross paths, but there is surprisingly little bloodshed. Terezi is still licking blood off her lips from Karkat’s ear whenever Dave lightly slaps her ass, tugging her pants with the other hand. With a bit of shuffling they manage to yank her pants and underwear down and off. There’s a whoosh as they’re thrown across the room.

“Your turn,” Terezi says, grabbing the hem of his turtleneck. He yelps as she pulls it up, her bulge leaving a sticky trail along his stomach and his arms awkwardly tangled over his head.

“I think we should just leave him like that,” Dave says. His blunt human nails scratch at her thighs.

“I heard that.”

The sound of Karkat thrashing and pulling his turtleneck over his head makes Terezi laugh more. She’s fairly certain she’s not supposed to laugh while pailing her matesprit(s), but she doesn’t care. There’s so little she cares about anymore, except winning this game with everyone intact. 

All around her she can smell fire and cherries and Karkat and Dave and herself . Karkat’s ear is still bleeding bright candy red and Dave’s breathing is uneven when his fingers tangle with her bulge. She knows Karkat’s hands are the ones on her back, moving up to cradle her neck as they kiss. 

Karkat whispers softly against her lips, so quietly only she can hear. “Damn it, Terezi, it shouldn’t be possible to be this red.”

It’s her turn to smile, shivering when Dave kisses down her spine. 

It’s when Karkat’s hand slips down past Dave’s to tease her nook that she swats their hands away. “Okay, boys, pants off,” she declares, untangling herself from them both. It’s hard to stand straight but she manages it, turning to grin in their general direction. “Let’s put this one human year anniversary celebratory pailing in full swing!”

Without even needing to smell their excitement, Terezi can tell they turn removing their pants into a race. Dave wins, and he claims his prize by pulling Terezi into his lap. He shivers a little when she presses against him, her nook brushing against his cock and then her bulge sliding along his stomach. “I love you babe but your alien space dick is really weird, just so we’re clear.”

“Oh yeah you’re so classy, calling your matesprit’s bonebulge weird,” Karkat’s voice is dripping with sarcasm. “You’re a real charmer.”

“Enough of a charmer to be in your shitty romcoms?” It’s pleasant to hear Dave’s voice go raspy when Terezi trails her fingers up his cock, careful of her nails. The sound when she grasps him is a little less pleasant, although Karkat sniggers at Dave’s reaction.

“Whoa I know you’re eager to get your hands on my disco stick,but gentle with the goods.”

“Oh my gods, shut up.” The sofa dips and suddenly she can smell Karkat right in front of her. The catch in Dave’s voice – the beginning of some witty remark cut off, no doubt – informs her of exactly what’s happening. There’s no shred of gentleness that they use with her. The scent of blood hits her at the same time Dave gasps. 

“Watch the teeth,” Dave snarls. Terezi reaches out and pulls his head toward her, allowing her tongue a stripe from his chin to the cut. 

“That’s not how it words, douchelord.”

“You can only combine so many words with ‘douche’ before it begins getting repetitive.” Dave pauses, and adds, “bitch.”

“How are we doing this?”

That shuts them up. Dave’s hands tighten on her hips and Karkat moves to kiss her shoulder.

“Let’s just make it happen,” Dave mumbles. It’s the one time Karkat agrees.

Thankfully there is almost no talking involved besides some well-timed curses. In fact, there’s little decision actually made in general. There is a lot of feeling and shifting and simply moving with it. Eventually Terezi does lose track of who’s touching her where, everything smells and feels so mixed that she can’t tell where one of them begins and ends.

She knows that at some point Dave winds up between them, her head between his shoulder blades while she just listens to the noises he makes while Karkat strokes him. 

She knows she winds up on top of Karkat again, kissing him senseless while Dave returns the favour with his lips. She can taste it on him when he kisses her again.

She knows they both have their fingers pressed into her nook and twined around her bulge. One of them is kissing her and the other is panting against her back.

“Damn, we might need that bucket unless, y’know, you mind your couch permanently stained.” It’s Dave at her back. He pushes his fingers in deeper and curls them. Terezi squeals against Karkat’s lips, shivering. She’s appreciative for the kisses. It means she doesn’t have to decide whose name to moan.

“Just stop your ignorant spewing.” They’re kissing again over her shoulder. There’s nails in her hips and another hand on her breast and she whines when they pull away from her. Her head feels dizzy and she’s only vaguely aware when Karkat pulls her to lay back against him, and suddenly Dave’s between her legs and she’s got her hands buried in his hair. His mouth is so very hot and she’d almost be embarrassed of how wet she is if it were any other time, but between Dave’s skilled tongue and Karkat’s nails leaving scratches in her thighs as he holds her legs apart she can’t bring herself to feel much of anything else.

Karkat’s voice is thick when he hisses, “Come on, Tez. Please, please.” Dave hums, dipping his tongue into her nook.

And everything goes red. It’s behind her eyelids and in her mouth like cherry candy when she moans and it races through her body. Her veins feel on fire and blood pushers – heartbeats – are pounding. Pulses thump in her ears and she feels deaf from it. There’s nothing but red red red. It’s everywhere and her and her knights are covered in it.

It takes several long moments of breathing and hearts returning to normal before she realizes the sensation is fairly literal. Karkat’s face is hidden in Terezi’s neck but she can smell the embarrassment in waves. Her back is soaked in genetic fluid and what’s left has seeped into the sofa. Her thighs are also wet and so are Dave’s lips when they lean up for a kiss. It tastes funny with the cherry aftertaste left in her mouth but she doesn’t mention it. Talking feels like too much work.

They wind up with Terezi’s back to Karkat, Dave’s chest pressed to hers. She reaches and twists to scratch at Karkat’s horns, a smile on her face. They’re a mess of limbs and genetic material and emotions. It’s just the way she likes it.

“Happy human matesprit-kismesis anniversary,” Karkat mumbles after several long, quiet minutes. He affectionately nips at her collarbone. Dave simply nods against her chest, too worn out to do much else.

She isn’t entirely sure who moved first, but she feels Karkat shift his weight and Dave move his hands down and suddenly they are both holding her hips. Their fingers are intertwined, and out of everything that happened between them this startles her - this one little brief moment of almost red affection…

…almost red, definitely brief.

“Fuck, watch the nails.” Dave has recovered enough to argue.

“Sorry that you humans are so fragile you can’t handle holding hands,” Karkat retorts, snorting.

“That’s because you’re digging your nails into my knuckles. That’s not holding hands. That’s trying to maul my hands into lacy ribbons of flesh.”

“Can you just shut up?”

“I’ll shut up whenever you let go of my hand, douchebag.”

“Nooksucker.”

“Is that supposed to be an insult? ‘Cause I think Terezi would disagree.”

“Did you just go there? You did not just go there.”

In the midst of their bickering Dave and Karkat don’t notice Terezi slip her hands over theirs, smiling at the bit of normalcy.


End file.
